confidence vs. bossiness

i think i sometimes mistake confidence for bossiness. I think I am a naturally passive person, and shy too. I think I thought that meant I didn't have confidence. It seemed to come to me out of nowhere that confidence isn't bossiness. it seems obvious probably. i think at times i would try to imitate confidence and it came off as bossy. I have decided that confidence isn't speaking your opinion a lot its trusting yourself. I can be totally confident and still be shy and passive.

Now I can finally be perfect!!

haha just kidding. but don't you think that its a lesson learned and worth recording?

prayers

Some of Jackson's recent prayers:

note: Jackson really thinks the Nephites are bad people.

Thank you for this day. Thank you for the Christmas season. Thank you for God and Jesus and Heavenly Father and that they can never be hurt by the Nephites.

Thank you that I can play with Scott, and Jesus.

His prayers are always full of lots of thank yous and he always says thank you that we can have fun as a family which is a constant reminder to me of how important that is for him.

oh and also, when he gets mad at me he scowls, points his finger at me and says "mommy you're a nephite!"

heaven

Freda Borden died this week. I was talking to Jackson about how when we die our body and spirit separate and our spirit goes to heaven to live with Jesus. He told me he didn't want to live there but he wanted to live on earth. i told him that we would all be a family in heaven and we'd be together forever. after thinking a second he asked the most important question a boy needs to know....what kind of food does Jesus have? does he have watermelon? i bet he has orange juice. that's the only kind of drink he needs.

the lord gave me a day off

Seriously. I woke up and Jackson was just wanting to fight. He was ranting about one thing and then another. As Brent was leaving I was in tears about how I just didn't want to do it today. I didn't want to spend a day trying to fend off a fight after fight. I begrudgingly went to the gym but then decided to sit and start the book of mormon on the couches before going to get the boys. (I hadn't started it yet for this year but i like to try to read it all the way through every year.) It was nice. I thought "I can handle today now." Then as we were pulling into the house Jackson asked to go to the neighbor's house to play and I just said fine. He was there for three hours and Teresa actually sent him home the same time i opened the garage to go get him for a quick grocery errand. In that time though I managed to clean my downstairs well enough for company and even sit and read the book of mormon a little more. I think it's fun to read it like a novel throughout the day instead of waiting for "scripture study" for 10 minutes when it suddenly feels more boring. Jackson was great the rest of the day. Missionaries came for dinner which I had never made before but I thought was delicious. Brent played basketball leaving me to play on the computer, watch tv, clean a little upstairs, and just relax. I just think the Lord heard my prayers. He thought "ok natalie, I'll give you this one, but I want you to recognize what i've done, act appreciatively, and show more love for your kids." so i'm trying to remember....thats what the book of mormon teaches.....to remember. I always mark that word in it. i love flipping through it and finding that word marked. it stands out as it should. so much of what we need to do on earth is remember....our covenants, our blessings, to keep the commandments, our promises, our ancestors, and Him.

The Peacegiver

This book (hopefully) will change my life. I loved it so much. While I almost never read church books I was persuaded to read this one by a friend who I don't think had any idea how perfect and important it was for me to read it. It's by James L. Ferrell. He wrote about different stories of the bible teach of christ in ways that I hadn't known or seen before. I would recommend it to everybody but especially anybody who has ever felt like their marriage or home or relationships are struggling. I must admit I am guilty of comparing myself to others--mostly Brent--and thinking I'm better than him. It taught about how our behavior isn't important but its most important what's in our hearts. Like for example, if two friends are fighting one may have been right at the beginning but when arguments grow from disagreements to painful, hurting, or cold relationships both are at fault because they allowed it to grow and didn't end the disagreement. Oh man I'm not doing it justice and i can feel it. That drives me crazy. It also talked about forgiveness. First that forgiveness is for the offended not the offendee. Also, b/c the savior took all of the world's sins on himself then that means he is claiming the sin as his own. When we refuse forgiveness it's like refusing forgiveness to the Lord--who is perfect and needs no forgiveness. Remembering this will help us forgive others. Also, another point I liked was the addictive nature of sin. Also when we blame others for our sins ("the woman thou gavest me... gave me of the fruit and i did eat", "if you yell again I'm gonna get mad") we feel like we're less to blame for our choices making us slower to repent. When we own up to what we do we feel fully our own inadequacies and want to improve and repent. Another point he made was about the innocence of children. They love those that hurt them. Their love is unconditional. As adults we put conditions on our love but their love is more as the savior's love. pure. undefiled. I can't say it all b/c I can't remember it all but I hope the more I write about it/talk about it the more I will remember it and allow it to change me. or just re-read it

do i write the bad?

so jackson and i have had a rough go recently. i dont know if i want to write about that or not. i mean maybe when my daughter calls me crying because her three year old won't stop screaming it will help me remember. thats what i did to my mom actually on monday. i texted her "i need someone to beat my child." i mean its just the normal tantrums its just hard to remember its normal when you look around and everybody around you seems to be staring at you. or when you ask him why he pooped his pants and he says "cause i don't like you." sometimes, surprisingly, a three year old can say stinging things. brent has been understanding and sympathetic. he tells me not to judge him by his tantrums and outbursts because those are his natural behaviors. its human nature to lash out. judge him by his growth and advancement. the good times.

people tell me all the time how grateful he is. i mean he doesn't just say thank you when he should but its "ooohhh thank you soooo much papa for giving me a ride in your verble (convertible)." he is so loving. like monday when he screamed the minute we walked out the gym doors til we were well down the road and the thought occurred to me to reach out and hold his hand and immediately he stopped. oh and he can curl up in my lap and i literally feel like i can hold him this age forever. like if i let go he'll grow up faster. forgetting everything and actually wanting him to stay his age forever. he is forgiving. i yell and yet the minute i stop he crumples into me. hugging me and saying he loves me.

Rubiks cube

Last night was nice.

It had been a particularly hard days for me and the boys. planning preschool meant no nap for sam and quite a few public tantrums from jackson. after the kids went to bed brent and i just sat working on our own projects quietly. when we went to bed we were both really tired but read our scriptures together. we're studying preach my gospel and read several series of scriptures on the gospel of jesus christ. anyway. thats not the story.

last night after all of that brent was fiddling around with the rubiks cube. admittedly, the thought crossed my mind to tell him he was waking up too late these days and so we needed to just go to bed. that if he stayed up late playing with it then.... i don't know....some consequence, because dealing with a toddler thats where my mind goes first.

i'm so glad i didn't. i watched him as he made one side all the same color and listened to him tell me different things he's learned about them. we laughed about the fact that i used to move stickers. then he taught me how to solve the first level and how every cube has one specific place it goes for it to all work. he mixed it up and then helped me get one side all the same. i loved it. i relished in his attention. i tend to want to give up and just say its too hard but he helped me. its only a rubiks cube but looking back i feel smarter for learning what i did. learning to solve the first level but learning to wait and not act immediately on a first impulse. its hard for me to over look schedules and a seemingly pressing deadline but when i did i had a perfectly happy moment with my husband practically thrown in my lap. it was nice.

then today, i think i subconsciously used the knowledge to have a moment with jackson. we went to the sprinkler park so i needed a shower and he needed dry clothes. instead we just layed on a blanket on the floor. he was just wearing clean dry oscar the grouch underwear and me in cruddy clothes. i think we just lay there and talked for like 30 minutes. we talked about preschool and the things we'd learn. he said "mom i like just talking." it made me feel so good that he's at an age when just talking is good enough, in fact, what he really wants. it's an hour later and i'm showered and he's clothed but i'm not behind on anything. amazing. moments.

Story time with Jackson. He loves stories so we take turns telling each other stories. Here's his.

There was a door named Mr. washer posher dosher. He wanted to get down and play but he couldn't. So an elephant got him un-stuck and he fell down but he couldn't play because he didn't have any arms and legs. So then they decided to fly.

Agh! This is why I should write sooner because there was more but thats all I could remember.

Feeding babies

Today, I love nursing. I don't always love it. I want to remember today though. I love how easily Sam curls into my arms. I love how when he gets distracted he comes off smiling and looking around to see what the fun thing is thats going on. I especially love nursing when he's in a diaper. Just so much skin is sweet. It's our bonding time. I love this age because crying fits are easy to solve. Nursing comforts him. I love how it makes me stop when I'm busy and just be with him. I love it--today.

we were trying on clothes and outside the dressing room there was a handicap sign

"does that person have to have a wheel on their chair b/c they only have one leg and one foot and one hand and one face?"

yes dear.

-hey mom yesterday the Holy Ghost told us which way to go.

-(feeling great about the excellent job i was doing) yes dear. good job.

-he had his pants pulled down and a big big nose.

-errr..... that sounds maybe like pinocchio

-no it was the holy ghost!

Sam's birth story

It's 3.5 months after the fact but I think it's important to remember things like this. So here goes.

I waited a long time to get pregnant with Sam. not by choice. We had tried for over a year. Some where in that time Brent and I spoke to a friend from the ward and he said he hadn't found out with 4 out of their 5 kids. He talked about how it was a spiritual experience for them. So right then I decided I wasn't going to find out the gender of our next child. Brent agreed. I think a lot of people think you're crazy for not finding out. They say things like "I'm too much of a planner" or "it'll upset jackson if it's not what he thinks it'll be." It was hard not to know but I'm glad I did it. Before Jackson was born we had decided on the name Samuel Hutchison for a boy. A girl name was much harder but if he had been a boy it would have been Eva Rachel (our first girl name was eva elizabeth but it sounded like evil lizabeth when i pronounced it so we changed it.) brent said it wasn't after rachel my sister. but it was for me.

So I went in to labor early with Jackson so I just assumed I would with the second as well. even earlier i thought. so when i went past my due date i felt like i was a month overdue. i was in so much more pain in the 3rd trimester because i had jackson. so much more running, bending, playing on the ground, and such. i was so ready to have the baby.

i woke up at like 3am on the morning of the 26th. i never slept through the night and often had contractions so i didn't think much of it. but they persisted. i must have been noisy or something because at like 5 i asked brent if he was awake and he said yes. that is never the case. even when jackson walked in our room crying brent didn't hear it so i was surprised. i told him i thought i was going into labor so then we were just talking. no rush because the contractions still weren't close enough.

he had mentioned it before but he brought up the name sam for a second time. the first time i didn't think much of it. he told me it really meant something to him but he didn't tell me why. well wouldn't tell me why. i still don't know. i told him if it meant that much to him, he was the father, i'd go with sam. i knew i'd never call him sam if his name was samuel.

i went to take a shower and brent was supposed to get in after me. he fell asleep. of course. :) we dropped jackson off at grandma dee's then drove to the hospital. i was dialated and having effective contractions but they still weren't close. in fact after a few hours they still weren't close so they put me on pitocin. i had my epidural early so brent and i just enjoyed the day. we watched tv on hulu and really had a blast. it was like a date day. no kids. just us. and i didn't even feel guilty for not being with jackson cause i was busy, sort of.

at some point the nurse checked me and sam was really close. i pushed and his heart rate dropped and didn't come back up as quickly as she'd have liked so she called dr. schroeder. once dr. schroeder was there he came in one push. i don't remember who said it's a boy first i just remember breaking down immediately. crying uncontrollably because i was so happy. they quickly laid him on me and the emotions were so strong it's hard for me to write about them. even now my fingers shake to think about that moment. i remember brent was on the phone with grandparents. i couldn't think about anything but sam......and then jackson......and then sam and jackson. i was so happy it was a boy. i wanted a boy. i didn't admit that when i was pregnant and i wouldn't have even been sad if it had been a girl but i was thrilled it was a boy.

sam was easy from the start. jackson had a hard time not because of sam but i think more because there were so many extra adults around and he didn't get one on one time with mommy. he spent a few days with grandma jan. we were both much better for the break.

it's not a well written story. i don't have the time for that.

"oatmeal is my favorite kind of meal." jackson

jackson went in to go to the bathroom in the morning and used mine and brent's because we had a house guest. when brent was going in after him jackson said "hold on dad i gotta clean that up." brent of course groaned cause he had gotten out of bed 1 minute too early. Jackson had peepeed on the floor. I told Jackson we don't do that and he responded "I was just doing tricks with my pee pee."

Brent took Jackson shopping for my mother's day gift. Brent called on his way home to make sure I was inside the house and not peeking (cause i like to do that.) When the came home Jackson came strutting in slowly. Then told me in whisper "mom you can't say anything it's a secret. shhh... you can't talk about it." really cute. When Brent walked in I told him that Jackson was really good and didn't tell me anything. Then Jackson squealed with his hands in the air above him "It's a rocking chair!!" It indeed was a rocking chair and brent just groaned.

"Does Santa have claws?"--Jackson

"What's that?"-Jackson "a ___________"-mom "What's a ___________"-Jackson "that"-mom (that conversation happens at least 7 times a day every day

we have to start somewhere

I've thought about doing this for a while and finally decided to get to doing it today. I'm not sure what it'll be so I'm not sure how to introduce it but I guess we'll see. Right now, presently, in the here and now I expect it to be things that I wouldn't necessarily share on the other blog but things I want to remember anyhow. Things kids say, funny things they do which may or may not embarrass them, how we do things, reflections, and generally more talk and less pictures. just so that i can remember