do i write the bad?

so jackson and i have had a rough go recently. i dont know if i want to write about that or not. i mean maybe when my daughter calls me crying because her three year old won't stop screaming it will help me remember. thats what i did to my mom actually on monday. i texted her "i need someone to beat my child." i mean its just the normal tantrums its just hard to remember its normal when you look around and everybody around you seems to be staring at you. or when you ask him why he pooped his pants and he says "cause i don't like you." sometimes, surprisingly, a three year old can say stinging things. brent has been understanding and sympathetic. he tells me not to judge him by his tantrums and outbursts because those are his natural behaviors. its human nature to lash out. judge him by his growth and advancement. the good times.

people tell me all the time how grateful he is. i mean he doesn't just say thank you when he should but its "ooohhh thank you soooo much papa for giving me a ride in your verble (convertible)." he is so loving. like monday when he screamed the minute we walked out the gym doors til we were well down the road and the thought occurred to me to reach out and hold his hand and immediately he stopped. oh and he can curl up in my lap and i literally feel like i can hold him this age forever. like if i let go he'll grow up faster. forgetting everything and actually wanting him to stay his age forever. he is forgiving. i yell and yet the minute i stop he crumples into me. hugging me and saying he loves me.

Rubiks cube

Last night was nice.

It had been a particularly hard days for me and the boys. planning preschool meant no nap for sam and quite a few public tantrums from jackson. after the kids went to bed brent and i just sat working on our own projects quietly. when we went to bed we were both really tired but read our scriptures together. we're studying preach my gospel and read several series of scriptures on the gospel of jesus christ. anyway. thats not the story.

last night after all of that brent was fiddling around with the rubiks cube. admittedly, the thought crossed my mind to tell him he was waking up too late these days and so we needed to just go to bed. that if he stayed up late playing with it then.... i don't know....some consequence, because dealing with a toddler thats where my mind goes first.

i'm so glad i didn't. i watched him as he made one side all the same color and listened to him tell me different things he's learned about them. we laughed about the fact that i used to move stickers. then he taught me how to solve the first level and how every cube has one specific place it goes for it to all work. he mixed it up and then helped me get one side all the same. i loved it. i relished in his attention. i tend to want to give up and just say its too hard but he helped me. its only a rubiks cube but looking back i feel smarter for learning what i did. learning to solve the first level but learning to wait and not act immediately on a first impulse. its hard for me to over look schedules and a seemingly pressing deadline but when i did i had a perfectly happy moment with my husband practically thrown in my lap. it was nice.

then today, i think i subconsciously used the knowledge to have a moment with jackson. we went to the sprinkler park so i needed a shower and he needed dry clothes. instead we just layed on a blanket on the floor. he was just wearing clean dry oscar the grouch underwear and me in cruddy clothes. i think we just lay there and talked for like 30 minutes. we talked about preschool and the things we'd learn. he said "mom i like just talking." it made me feel so good that he's at an age when just talking is good enough, in fact, what he really wants. it's an hour later and i'm showered and he's clothed but i'm not behind on anything. amazing. moments.

Story time with Jackson. He loves stories so we take turns telling each other stories. Here's his.

There was a door named Mr. washer posher dosher. He wanted to get down and play but he couldn't. So an elephant got him un-stuck and he fell down but he couldn't play because he didn't have any arms and legs. So then they decided to fly.

Agh! This is why I should write sooner because there was more but thats all I could remember.

Feeding babies

Today, I love nursing. I don't always love it. I want to remember today though. I love how easily Sam curls into my arms. I love how when he gets distracted he comes off smiling and looking around to see what the fun thing is thats going on. I especially love nursing when he's in a diaper. Just so much skin is sweet. It's our bonding time. I love this age because crying fits are easy to solve. Nursing comforts him. I love how it makes me stop when I'm busy and just be with him. I love it--today.

we were trying on clothes and outside the dressing room there was a handicap sign

"does that person have to have a wheel on their chair b/c they only have one leg and one foot and one hand and one face?"

yes dear.

-hey mom yesterday the Holy Ghost told us which way to go.

-(feeling great about the excellent job i was doing) yes dear. good job.

-he had his pants pulled down and a big big nose.

-errr..... that sounds maybe like pinocchio

-no it was the holy ghost!

Sam's birth story

It's 3.5 months after the fact but I think it's important to remember things like this. So here goes.

I waited a long time to get pregnant with Sam. not by choice. We had tried for over a year. Some where in that time Brent and I spoke to a friend from the ward and he said he hadn't found out with 4 out of their 5 kids. He talked about how it was a spiritual experience for them. So right then I decided I wasn't going to find out the gender of our next child. Brent agreed. I think a lot of people think you're crazy for not finding out. They say things like "I'm too much of a planner" or "it'll upset jackson if it's not what he thinks it'll be." It was hard not to know but I'm glad I did it. Before Jackson was born we had decided on the name Samuel Hutchison for a boy. A girl name was much harder but if he had been a boy it would have been Eva Rachel (our first girl name was eva elizabeth but it sounded like evil lizabeth when i pronounced it so we changed it.) brent said it wasn't after rachel my sister. but it was for me.

So I went in to labor early with Jackson so I just assumed I would with the second as well. even earlier i thought. so when i went past my due date i felt like i was a month overdue. i was in so much more pain in the 3rd trimester because i had jackson. so much more running, bending, playing on the ground, and such. i was so ready to have the baby.

i woke up at like 3am on the morning of the 26th. i never slept through the night and often had contractions so i didn't think much of it. but they persisted. i must have been noisy or something because at like 5 i asked brent if he was awake and he said yes. that is never the case. even when jackson walked in our room crying brent didn't hear it so i was surprised. i told him i thought i was going into labor so then we were just talking. no rush because the contractions still weren't close enough.

he had mentioned it before but he brought up the name sam for a second time. the first time i didn't think much of it. he told me it really meant something to him but he didn't tell me why. well wouldn't tell me why. i still don't know. i told him if it meant that much to him, he was the father, i'd go with sam. i knew i'd never call him sam if his name was samuel.

i went to take a shower and brent was supposed to get in after me. he fell asleep. of course. :) we dropped jackson off at grandma dee's then drove to the hospital. i was dialated and having effective contractions but they still weren't close. in fact after a few hours they still weren't close so they put me on pitocin. i had my epidural early so brent and i just enjoyed the day. we watched tv on hulu and really had a blast. it was like a date day. no kids. just us. and i didn't even feel guilty for not being with jackson cause i was busy, sort of.

at some point the nurse checked me and sam was really close. i pushed and his heart rate dropped and didn't come back up as quickly as she'd have liked so she called dr. schroeder. once dr. schroeder was there he came in one push. i don't remember who said it's a boy first i just remember breaking down immediately. crying uncontrollably because i was so happy. they quickly laid him on me and the emotions were so strong it's hard for me to write about them. even now my fingers shake to think about that moment. i remember brent was on the phone with grandparents. i couldn't think about anything but sam......and then jackson......and then sam and jackson. i was so happy it was a boy. i wanted a boy. i didn't admit that when i was pregnant and i wouldn't have even been sad if it had been a girl but i was thrilled it was a boy.

sam was easy from the start. jackson had a hard time not because of sam but i think more because there were so many extra adults around and he didn't get one on one time with mommy. he spent a few days with grandma jan. we were both much better for the break.

it's not a well written story. i don't have the time for that.