do i write the bad?

so jackson and i have had a rough go recently. i dont know if i want to write about that or not. i mean maybe when my daughter calls me crying because her three year old won't stop screaming it will help me remember. thats what i did to my mom actually on monday. i texted her "i need someone to beat my child." i mean its just the normal tantrums its just hard to remember its normal when you look around and everybody around you seems to be staring at you. or when you ask him why he pooped his pants and he says "cause i don't like you." sometimes, surprisingly, a three year old can say stinging things. brent has been understanding and sympathetic. he tells me not to judge him by his tantrums and outbursts because those are his natural behaviors. its human nature to lash out. judge him by his growth and advancement. the good times.

people tell me all the time how grateful he is. i mean he doesn't just say thank you when he should but its "ooohhh thank you soooo much papa for giving me a ride in your verble (convertible)." he is so loving. like monday when he screamed the minute we walked out the gym doors til we were well down the road and the thought occurred to me to reach out and hold his hand and immediately he stopped. oh and he can curl up in my lap and i literally feel like i can hold him this age forever. like if i let go he'll grow up faster. forgetting everything and actually wanting him to stay his age forever. he is forgiving. i yell and yet the minute i stop he crumples into me. hugging me and saying he loves me.

Rubiks cube

Last night was nice.

It had been a particularly hard days for me and the boys. planning preschool meant no nap for sam and quite a few public tantrums from jackson. after the kids went to bed brent and i just sat working on our own projects quietly. when we went to bed we were both really tired but read our scriptures together. we're studying preach my gospel and read several series of scriptures on the gospel of jesus christ. anyway. thats not the story.

last night after all of that brent was fiddling around with the rubiks cube. admittedly, the thought crossed my mind to tell him he was waking up too late these days and so we needed to just go to bed. that if he stayed up late playing with it then.... i don't know....some consequence, because dealing with a toddler thats where my mind goes first.

i'm so glad i didn't. i watched him as he made one side all the same color and listened to him tell me different things he's learned about them. we laughed about the fact that i used to move stickers. then he taught me how to solve the first level and how every cube has one specific place it goes for it to all work. he mixed it up and then helped me get one side all the same. i loved it. i relished in his attention. i tend to want to give up and just say its too hard but he helped me. its only a rubiks cube but looking back i feel smarter for learning what i did. learning to solve the first level but learning to wait and not act immediately on a first impulse. its hard for me to over look schedules and a seemingly pressing deadline but when i did i had a perfectly happy moment with my husband practically thrown in my lap. it was nice.

then today, i think i subconsciously used the knowledge to have a moment with jackson. we went to the sprinkler park so i needed a shower and he needed dry clothes. instead we just layed on a blanket on the floor. he was just wearing clean dry oscar the grouch underwear and me in cruddy clothes. i think we just lay there and talked for like 30 minutes. we talked about preschool and the things we'd learn. he said "mom i like just talking." it made me feel so good that he's at an age when just talking is good enough, in fact, what he really wants. it's an hour later and i'm showered and he's clothed but i'm not behind on anything. amazing. moments.

Story time with Jackson. He loves stories so we take turns telling each other stories. Here's his.

There was a door named Mr. washer posher dosher. He wanted to get down and play but he couldn't. So an elephant got him un-stuck and he fell down but he couldn't play because he didn't have any arms and legs. So then they decided to fly.

Agh! This is why I should write sooner because there was more but thats all I could remember.

Feeding babies

Today, I love nursing. I don't always love it. I want to remember today though. I love how easily Sam curls into my arms. I love how when he gets distracted he comes off smiling and looking around to see what the fun thing is thats going on. I especially love nursing when he's in a diaper. Just so much skin is sweet. It's our bonding time. I love this age because crying fits are easy to solve. Nursing comforts him. I love how it makes me stop when I'm busy and just be with him. I love it--today.