i'm reading this book by jennifer fox called discovering your child's strengths.  there are so many things i want to remember.  i picked it up thinking it would be written more for a parent but i see now its written more for an educator but includes parents.   i am actually fine with that and kinda loving it more.  i really enjoy reading about educational theories and laws.  This book is interesting for so many reasons but something i read stuck out to me for a different reason all together.  she was addressing the adolescent rebellion and explaining why teenagers make the extreme choices they do.  she said "adolescents seek out powerful experiences to provide them with profound memories."  now she was trying to calm down the worried or angry parent or teacher for rule breaking or whatnot.  what i thought of though was my kids in youth.  i think about what my children will be doing when they're teenagers and how they will be different.  i think about what makes good kids from good families stay strong and what makes good kids from good families fall away from the church. i know that my children will make their own choices and that is their agency.  i also look for ways that i can have influence.  if i can understand and remember this principle maybe, just maybe, i can help my kids seek out powerful spiritual experiences to provide them with profound testimonies."  i know my father in law is down on things like efy.  i believe he calls it money changing in the temple or something.  but for me efy was one of many powerful spiritual experiences.  i felt genuinely and strongly moved by the spirit i felt there.  of course there are 1,001 free ways of creating and recognizing these powerful experiences as well.   oh i just pray that i can recognize the spoken and unspoken needs of my children.

im grateful for the holy ghost. i'm grateful for the peace he gives. sometimes in moments of stress i want to demand his presence. i get impatient and don't want to do things the slow way. The thing about it is, so often, it has to be done the slow way. prepare, invite, live cleanly, and listen. i feel like the Holy Ghost will take the world and put it in the proper perspective. i just re-read this blog and the spirit confirms truth to me of priorities and my place. i'm thankful that i have a space reserved for peace and enlightenment. sure it has its gross kids stories. but those still make me laugh and are treasures to me. oh that my soul will treasure the truth and leave the worlds treasures behind.

just faking my way through

sometimes i feel like i'm just faking my way through life.

faking that my house is clean because i really just picked it up a few minutes ago

faking that i don't get mad because really its embarrassing even to me to hear how i talk sometimes to jackson

faking that im a good visiting teacher when i make appointments at the end of the month or when there is a less active sister that when she puts up the littlest wall i'm at a loss as to how to handle it but if i was good then i would be more in tune with the spirit

faking that i'm happy when i'm feeling gloomy--actually i don't think that is bad

faking that i'm sick/sad when really i'm just lazy

faking that i'm working hard at my calling when often i forget entirely whats going on

faking cool when really...well nobody buys that one but i'm still faking it

what i dont fake at though is loving my husband. i love him so much. he is my rock. he can pull me in both physically and emotionally and take hurt and worry away. he's kinda awesome. sometimes i get jealous of other girls when they laugh at his jokes because i think thats why he fell in love with me and how dare somebody else flirt with him when really all they're doing is laughing at his jokes.

thats me. just a fakin' fake faker.

but i'm just doing the best i can. fake it til you make it i guess.

if you want to be excited about spending time with your kids...go to blogs that have fun things to do with them. plan things in advance to do with them. if you wake up everyday with the attitude "ugh, i have another day to spend without brent and to deal with kids." they'll see it in your attitude, act up, then you both resent the day and the relationship. BE PROACTIVE!!

other story:

monday night our fhe was on lehi's dream. jackson has been way obsessed with the idea of wanting to get to that tree since then. last night in his prayer he said "bless us that we can get to the tree and thank you that the nephites can't get there."

sacrifice for the things i love. i love my religion, my family, my home, my friends, my community.--thats the phrase that came into my head as i worked on my mission statement. i brought peace and happiness and it got me off of the couch of my funk zone.

2011 Goals

Brent has tried to break me of making goals basically since we got married. I know that sounds horrible, but its out of love. He noticed that i make lots of goals for myself and then when i fail I get way down on myself. I tend to make a new goal almost weekly so I can't keep up with them all. I've really tried to fix this about myself. I want to improve. I feel like life is all about improving to the end (not just enduring to the end.) So I want to be realistic about my goals. simple. i feel like the fad right now for women is finding ways to simplify their life. i mean its said so much on blogs and whatnot that i feel cliche saying it but at the same time its true. i think simplicity can bring peace and happiness. so what are the most important goals for me to have? i was thinking today (after i yelled at jackson) that i feel like i'm replacing a testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ with a testimony of virtues, characteristics, or principles. (haha simplicity). My testimony of the church i feel like has dwindled as i've focused on other important principles. So I guess thats my start--work on my testimony of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. [eek i just yelled at Jackson again for getting in my space. i will cringe at this in the distant and not distant future] #2 I want to write a personal mission statement. we're working on a family one as well. I'm reading 7 habits of highly effective families right now and this is his 2nd habit. In this goal I can tackle the principles that really do need my attention. things like anger, procrastination (specifically with children), blame, selfishness, jealousy etc. #3 I really want to prepare now for our future. food storage, baby #3 as well as college tuition. I want to learn how to cook from food storage. cook on a tighter budget. I do feel like Brent and I have been always savers. We do it naturally. This year will be hard because we already have to buy a new van. the camry died after 10 years. :( It will be a big expense and so we'll have to recover all of those savings as well as contribute a substantial amount to hsa for baby #3, our roth ira's, jackson and sam's savings, and of course extra payments to mortgage. but more than just financial preparation for harder times, i want to prepare myself by learning new skills and habits. my body for pregnancy. my kitchen should be better stocked and my cooking should be cheaper.

1. Strengthen my testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

2. Write a personal mission statement.

3. Prepare every needful thing.

ok there's my three goals. It's probably a lot but classifying them into three things makes it less overwhelming. I'm not sure how i'll measure the first one, or even accomplish it but I think I should definitely pray/fast regarding it. I do know the Lord will let me know.

feeling guilty

because today i realized i want what everybody else has. i'm not content with the many many MANY things i have. the reason i really feel bad is that i'm not a poor person that has nothing. brent makes plenty to support our family. we have lots of nice nice things. a gorgeous house. so much. but i can't stop thinking of things i want. i feel greedy and selfish. how can i set a good goal to better myself? how can i make it measurable?